When The Storm Whispers
January 2019
I wake up feeling like the world has collapsed on my chest. It hurts, but tears just simply won't come. If it could, my heart just wanted to explode out of its cavity.
It has been more than a year since my hysterectomy. Most of the time, I have accepted the fact that I would never have children on my own. I am fine with that. I have a life that I love, surrounded by beauty: beautiful people, beautiful children, beautiful music/art, and beautiful nature. I have nothing to complain about.
However, this morning everything comes down crashing. I just had a dream that I was five months pregnant. I was so excited that a miracle had happened, only for it to shatter as soon as I open my eyes. The pain is unbearable.
It is a Saturday, which is a "good" day to have a bad mood, because I don't have to deal with work. I don't have to force myself to smile or be upbeat for my students. I don't have to think how to make them understand a certain musical concept. I can just be in my room and cry as long as I want to. And that's exactly what I do.
In the evening, my heart is so troubled I feel suffocated. I feel that I am worthless as a woman since I will never have my own children. I feel that my life doesn't matter. Why am I even here, and even worse.....alive?
I need a distraction. I need something that can lessen the pain. Following the advice of the song "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music", I start thinking what favorite things of mine would help me this time around. Music? I don't think I can bring my fingers to play anything on the piano. Books? I don't think my brain is up for following anything more than a sentence. So I decide to just listen to some soothing music and look for some fan arts of my favorite anime characters, Shun and Ikki from the anime Saint Seiya.
I open my browser, type the characters names and start looking through some really beautiful fan arts while "Danny Boy" by flutist James Galway plays in the background.
Then I see it.
An illustration that quickly captures my eyes and heart. As soon as I see it and read what's on it, I burst into tears. I feel that I am not alone in this pain. I feel that someone has enveloped me in a loving embrace, whispering gently, "It is okay to be just the way you are". I feel deeply, deeply understood.
There I am, letting myself cry in this invisible person's arms.
The Invisible Person
Andromeda Shun is a character in the anime Saint Seiya. In the series, he is depicted as a gentle, kind, soft-spoken and merciful person. He is a pacifist, does not want to hurt anyone and is so against violence, despite the fact that he is a warrior. He is not afraid to show how he feels; even to cry in front of everyone! Physically he is not overly muscular like a typical superhero, and some even think he is almost effeminate. He wears an armor (called Cloths) based on his guardian constellation, the constellation Andromeda. And guess what, this armor is pink.
He is misunderstood on so many levels. Both the fandom and some other characters in the series think of him as weak, effeminate, and a crybaby. He is not someone you would think as a superhero who have saved the world multiple times over. But that's exactly why I relate so much to him, and that he is my favorite character of all time. He's no ordinary hero!
Despite his physical appearance and gentle disposition, he holds one of the strongest attacks in the Saint Seiya Universe, the Nebula Storm. This attack is so powerful and destructive, that Shun will only use it if he has no other choice. Even then, he always asks his enemy to repent before he launches the attack! This in itself is admirable, because it takes a lot of courage, determination, and self-control to hold on to his principles while wielding a great power. To be truly himself.
In December 2018 Netflix announced that they changed Shun's gender from male to female in their remake of the series. This, of course, enraged the fans, thinking that the decision was a lazy one due to Shun's characteristics that commonly thought as feminine. It's so problematic, because Shun as a male is a groundbreaking character, breaking any stereotype about masculinity. A man can be strong, but also gentle and sensitive. By changing him into a girl, the character is now a stereotype female.
The Illustration
The art I saw that night depicts him just after one of his fiercest battles. He is there, all bloodied and ragged, sitting among ruins of a temple, with tears streaked down his face, a slight smile, and a bloody rose on his chest. I instantly recognize this as a part of the Battle of the 12 (Zodiac) Temples. He had just won against Pisces Aphrodite, the guardian of the Pisces Temple. Yet, he is crying over the defeated enemy. Oh, how much he dislikes violence and hurting others! He is smiling that he has done his best, and hoping that what he did will help preserve peace on Earth. He is waiting for death to arrive, since the bloody rose sucks his blood. As soon as the rose turns fully red, he will die. He envisions the joy of meeting his fallen older brother and comrades in the afterlife.
Above the art, it is written "Tears and gentle heart don't make you "less man"". Apparently the Illustrator drew this as a response to Netflix's decision in turning him into a girl. However, that night, the drawing and the words speaks directly into my heart and mind.
Andromeda Shun
understands how it feels to be different. He personally knows how
painful it can be when you are not fulfilling the stereotype and
expectations of the people around you. But he also understands fully that
you can be yourself while still achieving your purpose in life.
He understands me, because we both suffer the same problem: defying expectations of our respective genders.
I can hear the gentle whisper, "Tears and a gentle heart don't make him "less man". The same is true for you, Dhita. Not having a womb and children does not make you any less of a woman, either."
Tears of relief rolling down my face. Someone understands. Someone really does. I am not alone in this. There is someone who cares, who knows what I am going through, even though he is just a fictional character.
The Search
The illustration of my favorite character has helped me tremendously. Since that day, I really, really want to send a message to the person who created it. I want to express my gratitude to him/her for being there for me through my favorite character. He/she is the real soul behind Andromeda Shun.
After following many traces, I finally find her page on DeviantArt in April 2019. She is an illustrator/character designer from Italy, with a nickname "PolariStar". I immediately open an account there despite the fact that I can't even draw a straight line (trust me, this is true despite the fact that I went to an engineering school that requires a lot of engineering drawing). I just want to send this message to her. I write to her, explaining everything. When I write how her art affected me in that fateful January night, I am in tears. Finally, finally she will receive the overdue gratitude that I am so desperate to express to her.
Then I wait. And wait. She never responded. I sigh. I just think, it's okay, as long as she knows how grateful I am for her and her art, it will be enough.
November 2019
I lazily open my rarely-opened email to erase all the ads emails. As I click "delete" to these promotional emails, I notice something. I got a notification from DeviantArt that someone had sent me a message! My heart skips a beat, followed by a frantic effort to remember my username and password for my empty and dusty DeviantArt page.
And there it is....a reply from her, the illustrator who had saved me from a mental breakdown. The one who, unknowingly, had helped me accept the true me again.
Her reply is so heartwarming, so sincere that I can almost feel her arms wrapped around me. She also thanks me because it makes her happy to know that her art makes a difference in someone's life. As a gift, she plans to draw my favorite character, Andromeda Shun, and will dedicate it to me.
"Embrace the Storm, Embrace Yourself"
It's Sunday morning, November 10, 2019. In Indonesia, today is the Heroes Day, a day to commemorate the Battle of Surabaya. Surabaya is my hometown, so this day has a special meaning for me.
I check my phone and find a message from Mariacristina, the illustrator. She sends me this beautiful drawing of Andromeda Shun; so beautiful that it takes my breath away. I read the words on the drawing and her description of the arts, and they bring me to tears. I love this art so much that I ask her if I can print this out and frame it. She then sends me the printable version of the drawing.
When I receive it in the email, my heart stopped. The title of the drawing file really catch my attention.
"Embrace the Storm, Embrace Yourself"
I suddenly understand.
The Storm refers to Shun's true power the Nebula Storm. He channels the power of the Andromeda Galaxy! It might be hard for someone as kind, merciful and anti-violence like Shun to accept that he has one of the most destructive power in the universe. But he knows this power can be used to bring good to the world. To fight for those who can't. To protect those who can't defend themselves. To bring peace, restoration and healing. So he did it......HE EMBRACES THE STORM, because by doing so, HE EMBRACES HIMSELF.
We all have value, we all have power inside of us. We all have a place and purpose in this world to fill. We can make a difference. Just as we are. To make this world a better place. No matter what people say. No matter what even you say about yourself.
Listen to the whisper of the storm inside of you. Connect with yourself and your true power, and you will become an unstoppable storm of change in the world.
Today, I am grateful for two of my heroes. Thank you, Mariacristina and Andromeda Shun!
Special Thanks to Mariacristina!!
All images are courtesy of Mariacristina a.k.a PolariStar
You can enjoy her beautiful art and say hi to her at:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mariacristina.musicco.art/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/PolariStarQueen
I wake up feeling like the world has collapsed on my chest. It hurts, but tears just simply won't come. If it could, my heart just wanted to explode out of its cavity.
It has been more than a year since my hysterectomy. Most of the time, I have accepted the fact that I would never have children on my own. I am fine with that. I have a life that I love, surrounded by beauty: beautiful people, beautiful children, beautiful music/art, and beautiful nature. I have nothing to complain about.
However, this morning everything comes down crashing. I just had a dream that I was five months pregnant. I was so excited that a miracle had happened, only for it to shatter as soon as I open my eyes. The pain is unbearable.
It is a Saturday, which is a "good" day to have a bad mood, because I don't have to deal with work. I don't have to force myself to smile or be upbeat for my students. I don't have to think how to make them understand a certain musical concept. I can just be in my room and cry as long as I want to. And that's exactly what I do.
In the evening, my heart is so troubled I feel suffocated. I feel that I am worthless as a woman since I will never have my own children. I feel that my life doesn't matter. Why am I even here, and even worse.....alive?
I need a distraction. I need something that can lessen the pain. Following the advice of the song "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music", I start thinking what favorite things of mine would help me this time around. Music? I don't think I can bring my fingers to play anything on the piano. Books? I don't think my brain is up for following anything more than a sentence. So I decide to just listen to some soothing music and look for some fan arts of my favorite anime characters, Shun and Ikki from the anime Saint Seiya.
I open my browser, type the characters names and start looking through some really beautiful fan arts while "Danny Boy" by flutist James Galway plays in the background.
Then I see it.
An illustration that quickly captures my eyes and heart. As soon as I see it and read what's on it, I burst into tears. I feel that I am not alone in this pain. I feel that someone has enveloped me in a loving embrace, whispering gently, "It is okay to be just the way you are". I feel deeply, deeply understood.
There I am, letting myself cry in this invisible person's arms.
The Invisible Person
Andromeda Shun is a character in the anime Saint Seiya. In the series, he is depicted as a gentle, kind, soft-spoken and merciful person. He is a pacifist, does not want to hurt anyone and is so against violence, despite the fact that he is a warrior. He is not afraid to show how he feels; even to cry in front of everyone! Physically he is not overly muscular like a typical superhero, and some even think he is almost effeminate. He wears an armor (called Cloths) based on his guardian constellation, the constellation Andromeda. And guess what, this armor is pink.
He is misunderstood on so many levels. Both the fandom and some other characters in the series think of him as weak, effeminate, and a crybaby. He is not someone you would think as a superhero who have saved the world multiple times over. But that's exactly why I relate so much to him, and that he is my favorite character of all time. He's no ordinary hero!
Despite his physical appearance and gentle disposition, he holds one of the strongest attacks in the Saint Seiya Universe, the Nebula Storm. This attack is so powerful and destructive, that Shun will only use it if he has no other choice. Even then, he always asks his enemy to repent before he launches the attack! This in itself is admirable, because it takes a lot of courage, determination, and self-control to hold on to his principles while wielding a great power. To be truly himself.
In December 2018 Netflix announced that they changed Shun's gender from male to female in their remake of the series. This, of course, enraged the fans, thinking that the decision was a lazy one due to Shun's characteristics that commonly thought as feminine. It's so problematic, because Shun as a male is a groundbreaking character, breaking any stereotype about masculinity. A man can be strong, but also gentle and sensitive. By changing him into a girl, the character is now a stereotype female.
The Illustration
The art I saw that night depicts him just after one of his fiercest battles. He is there, all bloodied and ragged, sitting among ruins of a temple, with tears streaked down his face, a slight smile, and a bloody rose on his chest. I instantly recognize this as a part of the Battle of the 12 (Zodiac) Temples. He had just won against Pisces Aphrodite, the guardian of the Pisces Temple. Yet, he is crying over the defeated enemy. Oh, how much he dislikes violence and hurting others! He is smiling that he has done his best, and hoping that what he did will help preserve peace on Earth. He is waiting for death to arrive, since the bloody rose sucks his blood. As soon as the rose turns fully red, he will die. He envisions the joy of meeting his fallen older brother and comrades in the afterlife.
Above the art, it is written "Tears and gentle heart don't make you "less man"". Apparently the Illustrator drew this as a response to Netflix's decision in turning him into a girl. However, that night, the drawing and the words speaks directly into my heart and mind.
 |
| "A True Man - Andromeda Shun" by Mariacristina a.k.a PolariStar |
He understands me, because we both suffer the same problem: defying expectations of our respective genders.
I can hear the gentle whisper, "Tears and a gentle heart don't make him "less man". The same is true for you, Dhita. Not having a womb and children does not make you any less of a woman, either."
Tears of relief rolling down my face. Someone understands. Someone really does. I am not alone in this. There is someone who cares, who knows what I am going through, even though he is just a fictional character.
The Search
The illustration of my favorite character has helped me tremendously. Since that day, I really, really want to send a message to the person who created it. I want to express my gratitude to him/her for being there for me through my favorite character. He/she is the real soul behind Andromeda Shun.
After following many traces, I finally find her page on DeviantArt in April 2019. She is an illustrator/character designer from Italy, with a nickname "PolariStar". I immediately open an account there despite the fact that I can't even draw a straight line (trust me, this is true despite the fact that I went to an engineering school that requires a lot of engineering drawing). I just want to send this message to her. I write to her, explaining everything. When I write how her art affected me in that fateful January night, I am in tears. Finally, finally she will receive the overdue gratitude that I am so desperate to express to her.
Then I wait. And wait. She never responded. I sigh. I just think, it's okay, as long as she knows how grateful I am for her and her art, it will be enough.
November 2019
I lazily open my rarely-opened email to erase all the ads emails. As I click "delete" to these promotional emails, I notice something. I got a notification from DeviantArt that someone had sent me a message! My heart skips a beat, followed by a frantic effort to remember my username and password for my empty and dusty DeviantArt page.
And there it is....a reply from her, the illustrator who had saved me from a mental breakdown. The one who, unknowingly, had helped me accept the true me again.
Her reply is so heartwarming, so sincere that I can almost feel her arms wrapped around me. She also thanks me because it makes her happy to know that her art makes a difference in someone's life. As a gift, she plans to draw my favorite character, Andromeda Shun, and will dedicate it to me.
"Embrace the Storm, Embrace Yourself"
It's Sunday morning, November 10, 2019. In Indonesia, today is the Heroes Day, a day to commemorate the Battle of Surabaya. Surabaya is my hometown, so this day has a special meaning for me.
I check my phone and find a message from Mariacristina, the illustrator. She sends me this beautiful drawing of Andromeda Shun; so beautiful that it takes my breath away. I read the words on the drawing and her description of the arts, and they bring me to tears. I love this art so much that I ask her if I can print this out and frame it. She then sends me the printable version of the drawing.
 |
| "Embrace the Storm, Embrace Yourself" by Mariacristina a.k.a PolariStar |
When I receive it in the email, my heart stopped. The title of the drawing file really catch my attention.
"Embrace the Storm, Embrace Yourself"
I suddenly understand.
The Storm refers to Shun's true power the Nebula Storm. He channels the power of the Andromeda Galaxy! It might be hard for someone as kind, merciful and anti-violence like Shun to accept that he has one of the most destructive power in the universe. But he knows this power can be used to bring good to the world. To fight for those who can't. To protect those who can't defend themselves. To bring peace, restoration and healing. So he did it......HE EMBRACES THE STORM, because by doing so, HE EMBRACES HIMSELF.
We all have value, we all have power inside of us. We all have a place and purpose in this world to fill. We can make a difference. Just as we are. To make this world a better place. No matter what people say. No matter what even you say about yourself.
Listen to the whisper of the storm inside of you. Connect with yourself and your true power, and you will become an unstoppable storm of change in the world.
Today, I am grateful for two of my heroes. Thank you, Mariacristina and Andromeda Shun!
Special Thanks to Mariacristina!!
All images are courtesy of Mariacristina a.k.a PolariStar
You can enjoy her beautiful art and say hi to her at:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mariacristina.musicco.art/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/PolariStarQueen
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